March 2, 1996 Saturday

I just got out of my second bath. I feel good. Of course, it helped to take 2 sleeping pills before. I'm very sleepy. I also read a Star Trek TNG book in the tub, so that kept my mind off R and my depression. Tomorrow I have to be at work by 7 am so it's 10:40 pm & I'm going to sleep. I read part of a bedtime story to M tonight. That was nice, but I was depressed all day until supper. I can't wait to talk to Mark again. I hope he can help.

March 1, 1996 Friday

I met (in a manner of speaking) my therapist, Mark, today. He's my phone therapist w/ RFL (Resources For Living). He said we're finally going to fix me. Yeah right! I was instructed to take 2 bubble baths (45 minutes each) a week. I just got out of my first one and I'm not relaxed at all. If anything, I'm more stressed than before. I had too much time to think about R. I realized I'm terrified to work this out.

February 2, 1995 Thursday

Last night was absolutely incredible! Breathtaking!
I was feeling kinda down about my weight being up. P was in the mood. I wasn't.
I felt huge and undesirable. I just couldn't believe that I was sexually appealing.
Well, P caressed me so softly and so lovingly that i soon let myself be carried away by the ecstasy of it all. It's been a long time since I experienced that depth of emotion.
I felt so cherished and protected. I love him so much.
I was saying last night to him that it was transcendental; cathartic. It was. I feel like a schoolgirl with her first big crush.
Everything I think about it I smile. We didn't have sex. We made love. I think that was the first time we ever actually reached that level of intimacy in making love. It was very special. And I love him even more

today than yesterday. Now this wasn't just about sexual intercourse. This was a joining in a way. I feel a part of him is still with me. Caressing me, softly telling me how much he needs me and loves me and how beautiful I am.
I just want to hold on to him and never let go. Not in a million years. Not for eternity.

December 6, 1991 Friday

I got to decorate our Christmas tree in the mail room today! It's so pretty. I love Christmas.

December 5, 1991 Thursday

I have a date with P tomorrow night at 7:00. I should be excited, right? Why am I not excited, then?! He sounds cute. If he is, I think I might sleep with him. I'm just so lonely. I mean, after all, that's the best way to show him I'm interested. Then I can tell if he is interested in me too. I probably sound like a slut, don't I? Well... I just forgot what I was going to write. It's hard to keep my concentration on something for very long these days. Now what were we talking about? Oh yes! Sleeping with P. I have several reasons. 1. I'll know someone loves me. 2. I can have him over when Thomas and Lyn are there. That way I'll fit in. 3. Lyn will know what it feels like when Thomas is gone and P is there. :) 4. I love sex. No, that's not true. I love sex until I'm satisfied. Then I don't want

anyone touching me until I'm ready again. That is so selfish, I know. But I start feeling sick and panicky if I ignore & lock away those feelings from myself. I begin to think it's my brother all over again. Will I be ruined for the rest of my life? Please, God, no. I love sex & togetherness too much. If I'm like this the rest of my life, no one will ever want to be with me. I just realized - I still feel dirty and ashamed - I don't think I feel guilty anymore. I guess I've accepted the fact that it wasn't my fault entirely. One problem down - 87 million to go. (Sometimes it seems like that many.) How do I stop feeling dirty? Ashamed? Embarrassed? Used? Trashy? The list goes on and on. How? Just by talking? I could never talk about me and R

in group in any great detail. Later I might be able to mention it. I really don't know how much more I could say. That makes me SO MAD! And frustrated. I am so sick and tired of all this (pardon my language) SHIT! I wish it would all just go away. I've been dealing with it for 3 1/2 fucking years!!!!!! When is it going to end? I'm so tired of it all.
Roth will help me. He knows what to do. He'll Show me. I want to ask Roth for a hug every time I see him because I feel so safe around him. On the other hand I'm terrified of asking. I just know that's wrong. You don't hug your therapist all the time. It starts to seem like there's more of a relationship than is really there. But a hug would be so safe. And Comforting. But so wrong.

I've been reading over this. If a stranger read it, they'd for sure think I was CRAZY! I'm not so sure I'm not. Sometimes I think I'd be better off if they locked me up and threw away the key. Or at least put me away in the hospital for a long time.
Nancy keeps talking about the inner child. I feel jealous. She knows hers. I know know how to even meet mine. I better stop or I'll keep babbling in my thoughts forever.

December 4, 1991 Wednesday

I'm sitting here at switchboard. It's 10:10am. I don't know how I got out of bed this morning. I think it was automatic. God I can't write worth anything today. Dr. Suncara finally called me back after 11:00. I believe it was ten after. I almost went crazy waiting for the call. In the silence during the wait, the abandonment loomed heavily around me. I felt so alone. I'm trying so hard not to do any stinkin' thinkin' or sit and do nothing, I've even covered up this storm of emotions with a smile and still I'm down. I'm scared. Suncara & Roth want me back on medication. I wish I didn't have to. I just don't know anything. I feel shut off from my brain. I can operate normally and do everyday things, but that's it. Nothing more. That's a scary feeling. Like I'm... {diary entry ends here}

December 3, 1991 Tuesday

I don't know what to write. I'm just drawing a blank. I can't think at all. I just sit and stare at nothing. Just all of a sudden a couple of weeks ago I fell into this depression and I can't seem to shake it. Nancy told me to call Dr. Suncara. It's 10:25pm. I'm waiting for him to call me. I just feel numb. It's like a wall between my subconscious thoughts & feelings and my conscious thoughts & feelings. I hate it when I get like this. I start to think of suicide and meaning it. If I had a knife or razor blade I think I'd actually use it. Not just to hurt myself. To die. But I don't have those things right now. Roth told me to go to work today, but I just couldn't get out of bed. It took me 45 minutes just to get up. Maybe I'll go burn myself with a cigarette or a scalding, burning bath. Maybe that'll take the urge away.

Stop thinking that way!